Do I believe in God?
I challenge myself with this question everyday. I waver from agnostic yet inclined to believe, to agnostic inclined to be skeptical. I know what I want. I want there to be a God. I want him to some how make sense of this chaotic world I was born into. I want that his real plan is universal equality and brotherhood.
My fantasy now is that there is a God, and that he is attentive to the world, yet all the religions are wrong and in no way his actual design for creation. Of course, there is no reason why this should be true, which is precisely the reason I wrote "fantasy" as opposed to belief.
What if there is no god?
If that doesn't send chills down your spine, I would say that you either believe absolutely (and therefore the question is meaningless) or do not understand the importance of a god being.
Why is God so important? For without God, this world with it's horrors, with it's unbridled evil is all there is. Yes, there are beautiful things in this world even without the existence of a god but do they really outweigh the darkness? The possibility that one only has this brief lifetime whose end is cold dirt and decomposing flesh. What a horrifying thought! Without a god, everything we do or achieve, everything we build or perfect, regardless how lofty, is utterly meaningless. Indeed one must regard the words of Ecclesiastes: "Futility of futilities -- says Ecclesiastes -- futility of futilities. All is futile!" (Ecclesiastes 1:2)
Some may rightfully disagree with me. Some thinkers find a certain irony or comfort in the knowledge that this is it, and there is no beyond. This way of thinking confounds me greatly.
Someone may read this and assume that I then say that God must exist. That is not what I mean to say in the slightest. What I mean is that God is certainly the ultimate comfort. A warm blanket to wrap yourself in when confronted by tragedy or humbled by the strength of nature. Is it really a wonder why man would have felt the need to create him?
Yet I cannot proclaim, and may never be able to, that God absolutely does not exist or even that I am almost certain that he does not.
Is it simply a childhood indoctrination or perhaps a connection to the wondrous and mystical? I do not know. Ah, how frequent is that statement these days: "I do not know."
So do I believe in God? No. Do I accept him as a possibility? Yes. Do I live my life as if he is or isn't? Depends on the day. What a strange place to be. Unlike the believer or the atheist, I do not have some "philosophy of life" that I can say I live my life by. I am a small ship being tossed about in the mass ocean of doubt.
I therefore must leave off echoing the words of the great Greek philosopher Socrates who admitted: "The only thing that I know, is that I do not know anything.