Friday, May 16, 2014

Fear of God-lessness

The more I think about it, the more it plagues my every thought, the more I know: I am terrified to live in a godless world.

I know there are no proofs, no 2+2=God. God is the most difficult, if not impossible, mystery to solve; and is perhaps the most important one. It is no wonder man has created schools of faith from the moment he was conscience of himself. I am no expert in the gods of the past, but the God of today is certainly an answer to the questions that every conscience has been relentlessly asking man to solve. "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" These are questions that every thoughtful person asks. Religion offers man the answers, the conscience is calmed, and life becomes infinitely better. God means purpose. God means life has meaning. God means that death is in no way the bitter end. God means we are free.

This is why religions have so successfully captured the hearts of humankind. It is why many rational people will believe in the most irrational claims. God is everything, or we are nothing.

I am stricken with fear to live in a godless world. I can only contemplate life without god for a few moments before I am overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness and uselessness. At such times, I can feel my hopes shattering like thin glass around me. I feel the passion that enlivens my heart oozing out of me. A dark melancholy envelops my thoughts, the world all but loses it's color, and my spirit is left beaten to the ground.

I know it is my own cowardice that I cannot face a godless world. I don't believe in God in the conventional way. I would not claim to know he exists. I am sure of nothing. God, to me, is a fleeting hope. He is my dream and fantasy. I know I have already written a counter to the rationale behind hope in God, yet I can admit now, that my hope is not rational. I need life to have purpose! To accept that I am just an evolved primate and that my conscience is a chemical reaction, and I am not truly free; why, I simply do not have the courage.

I am no fool, I know that there remains a strong possibility that as life rolls on, my hope that there really is purpose will fade into oblivion and I will have to face a world void of God. I only hope, that when the time comes, I am strong enough to do so.

Perhaps, my hope will never fade, and I will live a life of purpose and passion until my dying day. I will hold onto the belief that life is not a tragic accident from which one would want to escape, but a beautiful tapestry of some loving God above. Perhaps...

It is not rational -- there is no reason to believe there really is a God, or that he agrees with my perception of reality -- but it is essential... for now.

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